(intro F C F C F C Bb C7)
F Dm
On the bleakest day autumn could muster
Bb C
In a church to which they'll not return
F Dm
I thought back to a time when I could trust her
F Bb C
To a time when there wasn't John Byrne.
Gm Bb
And in a cruel twist of fate which so often
F C
Occurs in tales such as this
F Dm
I found myself catering reception
Bb C
And there were urges I had to resist.
F Dm
Not least 'cos John Byrne is much fitter
F Bb C C7
And the straightener to him holds no fears
F A7 Dm Bb
So if the chocolate in the fountain tastes bitter
F C F (as intro)
It's because it's been laced with my tears.
F Dm
Celebrations were well underway when
Bb C
Her father prayed silence and spoke
F Dm
He said "It's not like I'm losing a daughter as..."
Bb C
(Violently starting to choke).
Gm Bb
And in a gesture which said "I'm fast fading
F C
Could somebody dial 999?"
F Dm
He valiantly toasted my capers
F Bb C
With a glass of what he thought was wine.
F Dm Bb C
It was gone half past ten before folk cottoned on
F A Bb (instr)
By which time I'd landed in Wick.
F Dm
So if what's in the fondue's to die for
F Bb C C7
It's got nothing to do with the cheese
F A7 Dm F
And if what's in the punchbowl seems lethal
Bb C F
It's because it's two-thirds anti-freeze.