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Dear Customer Complaint Department
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I have nothing to complain about
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In fact, I have nothing but good things to say
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About your company today
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Let me begin by saying
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That normally, I avoid your store like the plague
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But recently on a drive to Dallas
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My car broke down on the side of the road
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In West, Texas, not the direction
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But the town called West
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It was the battery
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I got a jump-start for free with my Triple-A card
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But the local mom-and-pop garage
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Were unfortunately unable to assuage
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My electrical conundrum 'cause my car is not American-made
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So still running from my earlier jump-start,
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I drove on down the road,
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and for the first time in my life,
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Praying that I'd see a Wal-Mart
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Now normally your store is like a virus
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Like Miley Cyrus
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In a teen magazine
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Every five miles on the road,
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Like a toad
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A monstrous amphibian on the horizon,
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Entirely blocking out the sun
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But today Murphy's Law was riding shotgun
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I didn't see one
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For 47.5 miles
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And as I drove into Lancaster, Texas
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That alabaster albatross arose out of the darkness
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And I cried tears of joy as I drove around the back
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To the Tire and Lube Garage
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And I jumped out with my car still running
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I asked a jump-suited employee if he could change my battery
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But he didn't have a smile for me
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He said, "Forty-five minute wait"
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But in forty-five minutes I was going to be late
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To my very first show at Uncle Calvin's Coffee House
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At a church in northeast Dallas
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So I stood under the late afternoon sun
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On the hot asphalt
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My car continued to run...
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And I thought, "this is the end of the line..."
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I was running out of gas
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And running out of time
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Figuring I'd finish my days
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In a Wal-Mart parking lot, in a heat-stroke haze
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When an angel appeared at my side
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And her name-tag read 'Angela,' she had pity in her eyes
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She said, "Pull in to Bay number two, and pop your hood, and I'll see what I can do"
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And she examined the dimensions of my battery
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Said, "Yeah, I think we have that. I'll go get it for you."
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And the sun began to feel like my friend
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And when she returned, she had tools to lend
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And Angela and I worked side-by-side
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As though we'd worked together since the dawn of time
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Five minutes later, when I tried to pay her,
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She said, "Pay for the battery,
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But you don't owe me anything"
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As I turned to leave,
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She said, "Write a letter to Wal-Mart
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And tell them what you think of me"...
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So Dear Customer Complaint Department,
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I have nothing to complain about
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In fact, I have nothing but good things to say
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Please pass on my thanks to Angela today
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And you should give her a raise...
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And let her unionize
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Sincerely,
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Matt.